all things lovely only hurt my head.

sometimes i honestly question what it is that i am doing.
seriously.

what am i doing

i don't know where i am suppose to be or what i am suppose to be doing.
i guess right now "wait, this is just a season" would be the most common answer i would hear from all the people with more wisdom then i have...
have you ever wanted to forget what those people say? i am old enough to drink i am old enough to make my own decisions... if only i knew what decision to make.

maybe this is the stress talking
maybe this is just my burden

maybe this is just me wanting to run away...

i wanted that almost exactly a year ago, i drove 3000 miles to nowhere and slept out in the cold. i remember, during that time, sitting with a dear friend
on the banks of a lake as still as death,
and as quiet as a library
or an empty church.

i want that lake right now.
i want calmness.

i guess this is just my lesson
so i guess this is another opportunity to wait and see what happens

...

well i can see it as time and a sight through smell and
that's why its nice to be by yourself

'cause that's what i'm waiting for
that's what i'm waiting for
that's what i'm waiting for, aren't i?

dear atlanta won't you come and bail me out

you and i

today is the day, one year ago, the lovely miss jennifer corbin decided to call our anniversary: june first.

this day has seemed on so many many occasions a long way off, like the gas station up the road when you know you've driven too far on empty. but its here and it has some smell of victory all over it. its been one year in late nights, movie dates, eating out, pajamas parties, bad gravy, orange juice bottles, lost keys, community, sisters, brothers and a million other things. it's been a year of commitment and hard decisions, mistakes and forgiveness,

its been a year of good times

i have so much to say here most of which would probably only make everyone grossed out and honestly i don't really want to do that. plus most of you already know.

LOVE YA BOO!!!!

been beat up and battered 'round

been sent up, and i've been shot down

you're the best thing that i've ever found

(i'll handle you with care)

reputations changeable

situations tolerable

baby, you're adorable

(i'll handle you with care)

From: http://www.musicbabylon.com

searching boxes underneath the counter

so i have been lazy lately and it seriously has to stop i know that there are so many things in my life that i need to do but i seem to be failing at all of them and it stressful! so anyway i need some miracle motivation.

i know this blog is one of the many things i have let slip however i am hoping that the post is the first step in the right direction and hopefully a mark of tangible progress.

...

Who am I? Really...

Who am I? This question seems so ridiculously obvious, I am Patrick Farris, a white kid from Texas, yet I have found myself asking it a lot lately. Where, or in what do I find my identity? To be honest this question is even bigger than the first (mostly because it encompasses the first) and more over it is a question that has been bouncing around in my head for a little while.

When I first graduated and moved to the Alamo City I knew what I wanted to be, what I liked, what kind of jokes I made, what kind of tea I liked (unsweetened), I even knew every time of day that Family Guy came on. Everyday at lunch I would watch Paula Dean and make Ramen and toast, I would clean dishes and sit on the futon I shared with my roommate. I went to the gym almost every night with Isac, Mark, and Blake not to get buff but to hangout and play amateur racquetball; I skated every night; I listen to MosDef and talked on the phone until 6 a.m. I was reckless, and claimed safety, I drove 91 in a sixty but I always used a blinker. I was a lot of things and now I'm recognizing how much I've changed. I have both lost and gained spirit, while I'm no longer 18 I still wish I wasn't turning 21; it just seems there is so much that has changed I don't even know where to begin.

Is there anyway to get these things back... the memories you miss, the convenience you no longer have, the friends you wish had never left, the bridges you wished you never burned... If there is someone needs to let me in on it.

I really feel like there was a time when things felt more simple.

When the days never went by so fast.

Yes, these are all things I cannot change, but I wish I could.

I wish that I knew who I was back then and how to introduce him to who I am now.

I wonder if they would trade stories, I wonder if the old me remembers things that I've forgotten.

I wonder if he could decode and translate everything that I have lost in the process of growing up a little.

I don't mean to sound depressing or anything I've just been thinking about it.

The other day someone asked me how I am today in comparison to when I first got to San Antonio and it got me thinking, and then today when I was mowing someone's yard I realized there's going to be a day when I realize I am 45 and I can no longer stalk golf course police, or stay up at starbucks spending 3 hours just trying to pick something to do.

...maybe he was no different at all, maybe he was just young and immature. Maybe I'm romanticizing him like the lead role in a fictional movie made to make me look good. Maybe I have lost him, maybe I haven't, maybe he can be found hiding in the spine of a Ginsberg poem, maybe he can be found in the red letters of leather bound truths, maybe he can be found on the broken concrete of an apartment lot, sitting, thinking, writing, dreaming... maybe he never existed, maybe I'm homesick,

maybe I don't even know what for...

every day there's a boy in the mirror
asking me
what are you doing here
finding all my previous motives
growing increasingly unclear

I travelled far and I burned all the bridges
I believed as soon as I hit land
all the other
options held before me
will wither in the light of my plan

a song for
someone who needs somewhere
to long for

homesick
cause I no longer know
what home is

...

now my ash tray's over flowing and i'm still staring at a blank white page

Ahhhhhh! I have been typing literally all day. Nine hours sitting at the same starbucks, in the same wooden seat, hunched over the same bleak, black table... writing.

I'm so done!

However some good did come out of it! I can now better articulate my ideas; or at least the ideas that I hold on the topic that I was writing about (education reform or more so the its short comings... a little more bleak than my starbucks experience.)

Needless to say

I'm done with writing for the day

...

slow and steady

Hey so I know I haven't blogged in the longest time, I just want to say that I am genuinely sorry to all of my loyal followers! I really hope you all find it with in you to forgive my absence. I really feel more blogs coming on I promise!

Here is something to get you going until next time!

Recently I have been looking for a job, and trying to raise money for STiM and honestly neither of those things have been going extraordinarily well, in fact I don't really think it's too far off to say that both have been far less than fruitful. I continue to trust. Slow and steady wins races from what I understand but I really don't think this is the case, I feel that I'm alright with slow and steady, it's this fast stuff that really stresses me out. I don't even think it's fast pace stuff, I mean maybe I'm just not even in the race! Maybe it's a lack of motivation or direction... I don't know. I just really don't know but it is seriously such a time of desperation and need.

This is such a stressful time right now, there is a month left of my third year of college and I'm trying to find job! So ridiculous! Trying to finish strong in my classes while I also try to learn a new job! I really don't know how this is suppose to work out. I guess I shouldn't have to though, I should trust, I have to be alright with the outcome no matter what it is, but what if it sucks? Okay so I'm told it will build character, got it that's great and then what? The next time someone thinks to asks for my advice on quitting their job mid semester without having another one lined up, I can play Nike's biggest opposition ("don't do it")? That sounds like a great career.

Okay I'm done complaining. I have a lot to be thankful for and I know that ugh! Okay now to shake it off so many more important things to talk about.

LIKE!!!!

Three of the four pieces of Jen's new furniture are now built and they look pretty good, only the night stand is left hooray! Also big things are happening everywhere and I can feel it... it's like a peace, like that everything is going to start.. I don't know really how to explain it but its there.

I made a 97 on my Mexican American Families test and I made an 88 on my spanish test!

I had an interview on sunday for a new job and I think it went extra well!

I made it on time to a meeting (or at least with in 5 minutes).

Anyway so this is not all I have to say... so much more, so much more! But I need to go to bed and get some sleep, I was falling asleep during biggest loser! So sad!

(This has been in my head and still kind of is... it's slightly dark I guess, maybe even a little bit morbid but if you can tell me the lesson in the story you will win a cookie... though you will probably never get it, sorry)

All the way to grandma's house,
I stayed on the narrow path
But my brother wandered off,
Deep into the wood.

Bitten twice by rattle snakes,
Tangled up in poison oak,
He fell down and broke his legs,
Into a great ravine.

When I arrived at grandma's house,
She had made us tea and cake.
She asked me where my brother was,
I said I don't know and ate.

...

Weekends go too fast part 2

So I am humbly constructing part 2 of my previous blog mostly because I realized after publication that though it was titled "Weekends go too fast" that there was very little in it having to do with the weekend... my bad.

This last week was kind of hard for me, I know that I extrovert my self a lot of times but, so everyone knows, it's exhausting work. Most times I recover fine, however, I was really out of it all week and almost every night (especially Thursday night) by probably 9 o'clock I was done. By Friday I was ready to give up, luckily I have been blessed to have understanding people (person actually) in my life along side some Daniel-san and Miyagi karate, and thus the weekend starts. While apprehensive at first Jennifer finally gave in to the peer pressure and filled the post of passenger/co-pilot on a trip to Houston for my Grandmother's birthday.

First off, we got started late. See, my lovely road trip companion decided to clean house before we left and didn't start packing until I called her to say I was on my way to pick her up from her apartment. We got on the road at a decent hour nonetheless, heading for my Houston home and making no stops except for the ritualistic stop at Buc-ee's which proved to be well worth the thirty to forty five minutes we spent there.

Jennifer and I decided to take a break to grab lunch while I checked the oil in the car replenishing half a quart before we ate the three piece chicken strip meal. Now I must tell all of you that there are plenty reasons why Jennifer is the perfect partner to have, a few of which I am about to list:

1. She gave me her left over chicken strips.

2. I think she is probably one of the only girls I know who would have a picnic on the side walk at a gas station.

3. She doesn't mind feeding me fries when I don't want to touch anything because I have oil on my hands.

4. Anything else I forgot.

(also on another note, I just wanted to say (before I move on) there was a guy at Buc-ee's with a mustache identical to mine... seriously redneck)

So we get back on the road, no bathroom breaks, we're making good time flying at speeds I should probably not talk about. We drove away the sting of the slow moving clock with conversation, stories, a short excerpt "The Lightening Thief" a hymnal album and the exhilarating task of watching the miles dwindle away with each coming green highway sign. Once we hit the Katy area I felt at peace, we were now only about an hour from home and the city was starting to build up around us. We made it to Baytown, our first destination, at about 5:30 and spent about thirty minutes getting my mirror fixed then headed to the good old Humble suburbs north of Houston. We were met, in Humble, by my brother Matthew and his red project '89 Jetta which had just been pulled from the garage to the driveway a few hours before and after doing some work to find that he has no first gear we decided to put Jennifer in the front seat to steer while Matthew and I pushed the car back into the garage. Later that night, after the kitchen two-step lessons, and dancing to Hank Williams, my mouth was greated by some homemade gumbo I had helped my mother with while Jennifer and Matthew left for car shows and bubble tea.

okay there is so much more to this post but I was suppose to leave for Austin about 45 minutes ago and I haven't even showered so... TO BE CONTINUED...

...

Weekends go too fast

So I just got in from Houston this morning at about 12:30... I think... maybe it was 1:30... I honestly don't remember the time which isn't a big deal in light of the fact that the whole drive I stayed wide awake! I didn't fall asleep the whole way! I had a pretty awesome copilot to keep me up though so I can't take all the credit.

I went home to surprise my Grandmother with a visit for her birthday and to get the passenger side mirror fixed, which is now white instead of dark green like the rest of my car... it looks ghetto but it's a 96 Camry! I really don't think the numerous buyers in the market would care much, mostly because there aren't any. I'm just glad it's fixed so I can see without have to mess with broken glass. Speaking of broken glass... since it's a mirror is it still bad luck? and if so who gets it? me for getting in the wreck or the other guy because he's the one who technically hit the mirror? hmmmm

Anyway, even though it was extremely short it was really refreshing to go back to Houston for the weekend and to get out of San Antonio, it was also good to get to see my family (minus my youngest brother who wasn't there), and it was a great start to what will hopefully be a very restful spring break.

I really don't think this weather could get any better seriously its awesome! It's sunny and 64... this is probably what Jesus was talking about when he mentioned God's kingdom. The only bad thing is I've been sneezing like a crazy person, it's got to be all this pollen in the air or something I don't know but seriously whatever it is it's driving me insane.

So obviously, and honestly not to my surprise, I am regrettably behind on my blogging.

I am falling short of even the goal I set for myself (which probably happens far too often). I wanted to blog daily, just records, an archive of stories, and memories, and my amateur stab at writing something worth you taking a couple of minutes to read. I wanted grand posts of conquest and adventure, intrigue and subtle humor. Charting my life through the inspiration found in childish thoughts of ninja turtle superiority (Michaelangelo), heartbreaking episodes of the biggest loser, and day-to-day happenings. I realize I need to get on it. I feel an unquenchable urge to go crazy and blog constantly... however, I feel that this approach would be over doing it

I really like writing and reading, though I am actually not excellent at either, so blogging seems perfect thus I should really start blogging!

However right now I'm starving so I should probably stop and go get something to eat!

irrelevant

irrelevant
–adjective
1.not relevant; not applicable or pertinent

So many times this word seems frightening, like walking into a room of people I have never met. This word makes me shutter, like the room is too cold. Walking with bare feet subject to all the harshness of gravel, naked, exposed, and irrelevant.
We try and avoid conflict, or even contact, hiding behind a guise that displays a culturally pleasing image. We give people what they want. We feed people like children, giving them chocolate covered anything so they never taste the bitterness of reality. We relate to everything. Our middle aged men dye their hair, our women get surgery, no one wants to be outdated; no one wants to be irrelevant.
Our needs are met by relevance. Television, movies, music, fashion, everything, every industry, every person is looking for the next big thing to grab hold of, the next big thing that will make an impression. We all fall victim to this idea of being relevant. I know that I am subdued by these thoughts to often.
I feel that being relevant is important. I admit that, I also admit that more often than not it makes everything I do that much more stressful. What will this person think? What will do for me? Countless cases of selfishness all of which I am guilty.
It's not about me.
In Luke when Jesus is tempted to feed himself by turning stones into bread he rejects it saying "man does not live by bread alone but by every word from the fathers mouth." H.N. writes what a power this would be to walk through the streets and turn stones into bread, to save the lives of countless children who suffer from malnutrition or even to change the unsanitary water so they can drink. The temptation is to be relevant. The temptation is to be the hope for the people, to be what they need.
Can we say that?
Can we say that we are the cure?
That we are the help? The refuge? The strength? The hope?

Or is it our job to be still...
and know that we are irrelevant.

SF4L!

okay so this is my first blog... I'm not really sure what to put here, this is seemingly ultimate vulnerability. I have no idea who is going to click "next blog" and land on mine... that's a little freaky.
Oh well, I guess that's what I get for starting a blog.
I was reading everyone else's blog and I see a lot of moms and young girls... it's kinda awesome haha
anyway I promise my other blogs will be more exciting! I swear
I need swagger haha