how many times have you heard someone say

i know... it has been forever. three posts before this one was seriously over a year ago (yes jen and are are now past the two year mark and are now moving into our third - that post will come soon i am sure) and so much has happened. i am 22, aidan has taken his first step and is already talking during church, matthew has a new car, i have a new guitar (and consequently a new obsession), i graduate in a year and have yet to receive God's letter in the mail... you know the one that tells me everything that is going to happen so i can stop stressing over making the wrong decisions about life, i stopped cooking and started discovering delicious restaurants (and broke my bank), spent time in north carolina, started the harry potter series, honestly too much to talk about...
corey...jacob...jeremey...alyssa...jordan... ALL GETTING MARRIED! (kyle and karisa are ALREADY MARRIED!!!!!!) life has happened and then happened again... (this is starting to sound super cheesy... its a little odd.)
anyway needless to say, like i am assuming everyone else my life has been interesting over the last year and i feel like this is probably the only time i'm going to write about it all; i do feel however that, despite my previous failure at any thing blog, i would like to make an attempt at tackling this again. REDEMPTION!!
i really want to do it! i know i have said that a lot in the past but i really do want to do it - for real... i wanted to do it for real all the other times too... we will see. blogging does seem rather narcissistic though, which is weird. i don't know i keep fighting myself over it. i will try it for a little while i really want to blog ha ha i feel like that is a strange desire, to write, publicly, about the things that are living inside my head so others can read them and tell me how stupid i sound etc. but sometimes i feel like its a really good medium and this is the main reason i am coming back to it; a medium to express the things in my head.

...

recently i have really been trying to seek God. i have been dealing with a lot of issues (really just one main issue that will not be discussed in this post as it is after midnight and i'm tired however it may be discussed later) and have been trying to seek guidance and comfort from Him instead of being dependent on affirmation and acceptance from people and stressing out trying to please everyone while reasoning with myself to figure out what God wants and analyzing "His will" without actually consulting Him.
this is a current prayer of mine found in george harrison's "my sweet Lord"

My sweet lord
Hm, my lord
Hm, my lord

I really want to see you
Really want to be with you
Really want to see you lord
But it takes so long, my lord

My sweet lord
Hm, my lord
Hm, my lord

I really want to know you
Really want to go with you
Really want to show you lord
That it won't take long, my lord

all things lovely only hurt my head.

sometimes i honestly question what it is that i am doing.
seriously.

what am i doing

i don't know where i am suppose to be or what i am suppose to be doing.
i guess right now "wait, this is just a season" would be the most common answer i would hear from all the people with more wisdom then i have...
have you ever wanted to forget what those people say? i am old enough to drink i am old enough to make my own decisions... if only i knew what decision to make.

maybe this is the stress talking
maybe this is just my burden

maybe this is just me wanting to run away...

i wanted that almost exactly a year ago, i drove 3000 miles to nowhere and slept out in the cold. i remember, during that time, sitting with a dear friend
on the banks of a lake as still as death,
and as quiet as a library
or an empty church.

i want that lake right now.
i want calmness.

i guess this is just my lesson
so i guess this is another opportunity to wait and see what happens

...

well i can see it as time and a sight through smell and
that's why its nice to be by yourself

'cause that's what i'm waiting for
that's what i'm waiting for
that's what i'm waiting for, aren't i?

dear atlanta won't you come and bail me out

you and i

today is the day, one year ago, the lovely miss jennifer corbin decided to call our anniversary: june first.

this day has seemed on so many many occasions a long way off, like the gas station up the road when you know you've driven too far on empty. but its here and it has some smell of victory all over it. its been one year in late nights, movie dates, eating out, pajamas parties, bad gravy, orange juice bottles, lost keys, community, sisters, brothers and a million other things. it's been a year of commitment and hard decisions, mistakes and forgiveness,

its been a year of good times

i have so much to say here most of which would probably only make everyone grossed out and honestly i don't really want to do that. plus most of you already know.

LOVE YA BOO!!!!

been beat up and battered 'round

been sent up, and i've been shot down

you're the best thing that i've ever found

(i'll handle you with care)

reputations changeable

situations tolerable

baby, you're adorable

(i'll handle you with care)

From: http://www.musicbabylon.com

searching boxes underneath the counter

so i have been lazy lately and it seriously has to stop i know that there are so many things in my life that i need to do but i seem to be failing at all of them and it stressful! so anyway i need some miracle motivation.

i know this blog is one of the many things i have let slip however i am hoping that the post is the first step in the right direction and hopefully a mark of tangible progress.

...

Who am I? Really...

Who am I? This question seems so ridiculously obvious, I am Patrick Farris, a white kid from Texas, yet I have found myself asking it a lot lately. Where, or in what do I find my identity? To be honest this question is even bigger than the first (mostly because it encompasses the first) and more over it is a question that has been bouncing around in my head for a little while.

When I first graduated and moved to the Alamo City I knew what I wanted to be, what I liked, what kind of jokes I made, what kind of tea I liked (unsweetened), I even knew every time of day that Family Guy came on. Everyday at lunch I would watch Paula Dean and make Ramen and toast, I would clean dishes and sit on the futon I shared with my roommate. I went to the gym almost every night with Isac, Mark, and Blake not to get buff but to hangout and play amateur racquetball; I skated every night; I listen to MosDef and talked on the phone until 6 a.m. I was reckless, and claimed safety, I drove 91 in a sixty but I always used a blinker. I was a lot of things and now I'm recognizing how much I've changed. I have both lost and gained spirit, while I'm no longer 18 I still wish I wasn't turning 21; it just seems there is so much that has changed I don't even know where to begin.

Is there anyway to get these things back... the memories you miss, the convenience you no longer have, the friends you wish had never left, the bridges you wished you never burned... If there is someone needs to let me in on it.

I really feel like there was a time when things felt more simple.

When the days never went by so fast.

Yes, these are all things I cannot change, but I wish I could.

I wish that I knew who I was back then and how to introduce him to who I am now.

I wonder if they would trade stories, I wonder if the old me remembers things that I've forgotten.

I wonder if he could decode and translate everything that I have lost in the process of growing up a little.

I don't mean to sound depressing or anything I've just been thinking about it.

The other day someone asked me how I am today in comparison to when I first got to San Antonio and it got me thinking, and then today when I was mowing someone's yard I realized there's going to be a day when I realize I am 45 and I can no longer stalk golf course police, or stay up at starbucks spending 3 hours just trying to pick something to do.

...maybe he was no different at all, maybe he was just young and immature. Maybe I'm romanticizing him like the lead role in a fictional movie made to make me look good. Maybe I have lost him, maybe I haven't, maybe he can be found hiding in the spine of a Ginsberg poem, maybe he can be found in the red letters of leather bound truths, maybe he can be found on the broken concrete of an apartment lot, sitting, thinking, writing, dreaming... maybe he never existed, maybe I'm homesick,

maybe I don't even know what for...

every day there's a boy in the mirror
asking me
what are you doing here
finding all my previous motives
growing increasingly unclear

I travelled far and I burned all the bridges
I believed as soon as I hit land
all the other
options held before me
will wither in the light of my plan

a song for
someone who needs somewhere
to long for

homesick
cause I no longer know
what home is

...